Any law enacted with more than fifty words contains at least one loophole

Evil is live spelled backwards

God must love stupid people, he made so many of them

When all else fails, read the instuctions

"Push" is the force exerted upon the door marked "Pull"

What some people lack in intelligence, they make up in stupidity

There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head

The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of an oncoming train

A watched pot never boils, unless you light the gas under it

If your parents don't have kids, odds are you won't either

Curiosity kills more mice than cats

Save the whales. Collect the whole set

On the other hand, you have different fingers

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand

OK...so what's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more like a jar of jalapeno's

Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. . . .

A decent pen: $2.99
Package of lined paper: $0.99
Knowing you have homework and "forgetting" about it: Priceless

I'm on a mission to save the world (I can't believe they trusted me with this).

Mirror, mirror on the wall, what the @$#% happened!!!

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

If you don’t talk to your cat about catnip, who will?

Everyone is born right handed, only the gifted overcome it.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 12%?

Are you too gullible? We can cure you! Send $1,000 to...

My dog thinks I'm crazy. I'll be back when I'm done arguing with him

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone

They call it pms because mad cow disease was already taken

Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death

Work for god………the retirement benefits are great

The world needs messy people; otherwise the neat people would take over

Remember my face; I might need an alibi later

Dear Dorothy,
Hate Ozz, took the shoes,
Find your own way home.
Toto

I took an IQ test……….the results were negative

333…… I’m only half evil

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity

Make something idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot

Few women admit their age, few men act it

Chocolate: Catnip for the feminine world

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

I'm not paranoid, just terribly, terribly alert....

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!